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Enjoy our collection of really funny jokes, after all that’s what they are here for!

Men? Fathers?

A couple had their first baby. After a week or so the mother thought she could use a break and went shopping leaving the little baby with the proud father. It was only a short while before the baby started to cry. The perplexed father tried all of the tricks that he remembered his wife doing but to no avail. Finally after a half hour in desperation he went to the doctor. After checking all of the regular things the doctor discovered it was just a dirty diaper.
“I don’t understand “the perplexed father said “I knew it was dirty, but the diaper package said specifically that it was good up to 8 pounds!”

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Posted in Long Jokes, Men Jokes

The Real Mother-In-Law

Once two ladies came before King Solomon, fighting over a boy. “He’s my son-in law” one said “No he’s mine” countered the other. After thinking for a few minutes the King finally decided on a ruling. “Bring me my sword and we will cut the boy in half, they will each get half.” “No” the first lady screamed “don’t cut him in half I would rather the second lady get the whole son-in-law.” Ah Hah said King Solomon with a big smile I now know who is the real mother-in-law. For a only the real mother-in-law would stand quietly while her son-in-law gets cut in half.”

 

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Posted in Jewish Jokes, Long Jokes, Mother In Law Jokes Tagged with:

Pregenant?

A lady went to a doctor’s office where she was seen by a Doctor. A few minutes into the examination, screeching could be heard from the room, and then the lady burst out of the room as if running for her life. After much effort a nurse finally managed to calm her down enough to tell her story. The nurse barged into the office of the Doctor and screamed, “shame on you, Mrs. Smith is 82 years old, and you told her she’s pregnant.” The Doctor continued writing calmly and barely looking up said, “does she still have the hiccups?”

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Posted in Doctor Jokes, Long Jokes
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Heaven Joke

A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God,  I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the  ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

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Rating: 4.2/5 (1394 votes cast)

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Posted in Good Jokes, Heaven Jokes, Long Jokes

Manly Men Joke

My husband was trying to be nonchalant before a speech he was about to give. “Are you nervous” I asked “Nah” he said with a yawn “piece of tea, piece of tea.”

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Posted in Funny Stories, Men Jokes

Teachers Gotta Be Smart

There were four teenagers who played hooky one morning. Upon coming to class in the afternoon, they reported that their lateness was because their car got a flat tire. That’s fine the teacher said much to the students relief. But there was an oral test this morning which you boys have to make up, so please have a seat and take out a piece of paper. “Now for the first question, which tire was flat!

 

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Posted in Clever Jokes, Long Jokes, Teacher Jokes

Memory Problems Joke

A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time. One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife. “Really?”, one of the men said, what’s it called? After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, “what are those good smelling flowers called again?” “Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned. “Yes that’s it,” he exclaimed. Looking over at his wife he said, “Rose what’s that restaurant we went to the other night?”

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Rating: 3.9/5 (589 votes cast)

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Posted in Good Jokes, Long Jokes, Old People Jokes

Outhouse Joke

A man gathered all of his children together and said “Children when George Washington knocked down the cherry tree, he told his father honestly that it was him , now answer me honestly, Who knocked down the outhouse? Finally the youngest son admitted it was him, at which he received a lashing he wouldn’t soon forget. “Thats not fair” complained the son, “George Washington didn’t get punished when he told the truth.”

“Son” replied the Father “The difference is, that George Washington’s  father wasn’t in the tree when he knocked it down!”

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Posted in Funny Stories, Long Jokes

Amish Joke

An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The girl asked, “Mother, what is this?”

The mother, never having seen an elevator, responded, “I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.”

While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the man rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the girl and her mother watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until the last number was reached, and they watched some more as the numbers began to light in reverse order.

The walls opened up again and a hunky young man stepped out.

The mother, not taking her eyes off the young man, said quietly to her daughter, “Go get your father.”

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Rating: 4.3/5 (168 votes cast)

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Posted in Funny Stories, Long Jokes

Can You Hear Me??????

An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.” The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?” After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “honey whats for supper?
She replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!”

 

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Rating: 4.2/5 (1116 votes cast)

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Posted in Funny Speech Openers, Good Jokes, Husband Jokes, Long Jokes, Marriage Jokes, Old People Jokes
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